Feeling old
--
- “Why are we running?”
- “Because…um…we need to”
- “Why?”
- “Because we don’t want to be late”
- “Why can’t we be late?”
- “Because it is not a good thing to be, I don’t like being late.”
- “But you didn’t do anything wrong!”
- “…”
A conversation with my son.
38th birthday was the day I felt, truly felt it. It hit me like a cold water on the winter, it suffocated and crushed my soul like a nut by a nutcracker, I could no longer breathe, and I lost the will and the drive for, well everything!
I stopped running. My lungs burned, but it was the hollowness inside that made me stumble to a halt. I’ve always cringed when people say that being old is a mindset, they were right. I didn’t feel it when I was 30 nor did it wait for me to hit 40, nope, 38 was the year I truly felt ancient.
For the past five years, I’ve been running. Just living as a sideline character, reacting but not truly acting. It caught up with me when I stopped. Five years of running drained my energy and left me feeling exhausted, my legs spasmed uncontrollably.
For a week, I hunkered down, weathering the self-inflicted storm of doubt and loathing. A cold, sucking feeling drained the colour from my world, leaving everything muted and meaningless, urging me to find purpose, an anchor in the swirling chaos. So, I took a step back, a deep breath, and began rebuilding. As a software engineer, my comfort zone had been logic, the clean lines of code. I knew I would find solace in a new project, a fledgling flame to reignite the embers of my passion. But warmth alone wouldn’t conquer the biting economic winds. My finances, already shaky from neglect, shuddered under the strain of the economical inflation rise. Action was imperative. I needed to shore up my crumbling foundation, brick by solid brick, forging a resilient fortress against future financial turmoils.
My gnawing unease demanded action, but I wouldn’t settle for anything mediocre. I craved genuine passion, something that fuelled me and brought value to others. So, I took a step back, brainstorming possibilities for sometime. I envisioned hobbies that brought joy, alongside income streams that could ease financial burdens and secure our well-being. It was a slow, careful process, but I was determined to enjoy it as much as I could.
While waiting for my side project idea to simmer, I tackled my finances head-on, slashing unnecessary costs that offered little to no joy. While the savings weren’t as significant as I’d hoped, the process itself was empowering. For the first time in a long while, I felt in control, like I was actively building a brighter financial future for myself and my family. This brought a sense of hope and resilience I hadn’t felt in years.
At first, I couldn’t grasp my wife’s urge to move furniture and shift the bed around. But seeing the living room through fresh eyes, the sunlight bathing new corners, brought it all home. It is fine to seek change for its own sake. We do need occasional jolts to truly appreciate what we have, to slow down and admire the life we’ve built together. Maybe some wrinkles have appeared, but that just adds character to an old fella who’s still learning to savour the moments.
— Amr
